You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
