dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
