She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
