college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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