watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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