its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
