Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
