I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
