Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Randomize
