Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Oh god it's open bar.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
