No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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