38 yer olds are good kisserssss
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
