I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
