I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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