There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
