I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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