The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Pooping to opera.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
