My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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