i just identified you from a description of your pipe
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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