she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
