my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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