I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
