You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
