Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Randomize
