I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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