My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
