Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
