I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
