Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
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