ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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