he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Randomize
