Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
