Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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