I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You are a genius and a whore.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
