her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
