Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
