I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
