i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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