I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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