Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
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