So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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