I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
