i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
