Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
