my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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