His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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