You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
