I murdered the dance floor call the cops
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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