he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
