there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
