i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Every concussion has its silver lining
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
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