FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
