Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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