I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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