Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
