the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
