I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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