Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
if only i could text you this smell
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
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