I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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