Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
We don't watch enough power rangers
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
