I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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