Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
