Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
