Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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