I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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