Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
