Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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