i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
