6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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