stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Randomize
