I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
