I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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