Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
